Is toxic positivity really toxic?

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yeah.

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Welcome, welcome, welcome.

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Welcome to the Parents Making Profits
Show, the world's number one podcast for

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parents who are entrepreneurs, helping
them be the best parentpreneurs they can

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be.

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I'm James Oliver Jr., co -founder of the
World's Cutest Twins, founder of the

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Parentpreneur Foundation, and CEO of
Cabilla, which connects overlook founders

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to capital, co -founders, and community.

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And I'm the author of the book, The More
You Hustle, The Luckier You Get.

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You can be a successful parentpreneur
available at Amazon.

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What is going on everybody?

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I missed y 'all.

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It's been a minute.

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I've been, like many of y 'all, I've been
head down busy doing the damn thing,

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right?

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So that's what's going on over here.

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I've talked a little bit about what I'm
working on in the past, so no need to get

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into today unless you haven't listened to
me before, but you know, I'm over here,

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you know, raising money to help overlook
founders.

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Just put it like that, all right?

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That's what we're doing.

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So look.

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Today's topic is inspired by an upworthy
article I found called, A Helpful Chart to

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Explain the Difference Between Support and
Toxic Positivity.

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Can Positivity Be Toxic by Sarah Schuster?

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And the title of this episode is, Is Toxic
Positivity Really Toxic?

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So I think most of us would agree that
it's important to be positive, right?

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I like to say what you appreciate
appreciates.

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Or in other words, what you focus on
expands.

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So it's better to get more positive
outcomes than negative ones, right?

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So here's a great quote from the article
and I'll link to it in the show notes

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naturally.

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But I this was really good.

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It says, says, perhaps counter
intuitively, positivity isn't always the

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best way to help others.

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You can't make someone be positive.

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You can't sprinkle positivity dust on them
and make their problems go away.

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And honestly, when people are seeking help
and support, they're usually not looking

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for straight up inspirational poster
positivity.

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More often, they're looking for validation
that their negative feelings are okay.

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That makes sense to me.

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So, know, then the article has a great
chart from the at sit with it Instagram

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account, which shows eight differences
between what it describes as validation

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and hope.

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versus toxic positivity.

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So real quick, I'm just gonna read through
each one of them and react to them in the

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moment.

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I already skimmed them, but hadn't formed
a lot of deep thoughts about it.

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I just wanted to kind of go with my
visceral reaction to them and riff on that

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and keen to get your thoughts naturally
about what you're thinking about them.

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I'll give you my LinkedIn profile in the
show notes and would love to connect with

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you

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Just let me know what you think about it,
right?

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So here's the first one.

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It's a first example of validation and
hope.

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Someone might say to you, if you're having
a hard time, they might say, this is hard.

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You've done hard things before and I
believe in you.

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Like that feels good to me if I was having
a hard time.

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Like, I'm raising a venture fund.

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It's hard.

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Startup founder, it's hard.

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Previously a single dad of twins.

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was really hard.

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know, thankfully, I'm married now.

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It was hard.

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Shout out to my wife.

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She's amazing.

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She's listening to this.

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So I always get brownie points when I do
that.

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Right, Alright, so validation.

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The hope is this is hard.

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You've done hard things before and I
believe in you versus what they're

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describing as toxic positivity.

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You'll get over it.

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Like, that does not feel good.

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Like, if that feels good to you, please
like connect with me on LinkedIn.

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And tell me why that feels good to you.

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I don't, that does not feel good to me.

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You'll get over it.

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Look, I'm Gen X and I'm, you know, as raw
dog as they come and that does not feel

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good to me.

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So the second one is I know there's a lot
that could go wrong.

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What could go right?

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And man, I love that question because I
feel like a lot of times we, me, I, you

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know, we'll focus on, you know, something
could go wrong.

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Something could go wrong.

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Well, damn it.

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What if it went right?

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What would it look like if things went
right?

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What could go right?

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I love that question.

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Toxic positivity would be, just be
positive.

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Like, wait, what?

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Like, that easy to just flip a switch,
completely ignore your feelings?

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Not feeling that one either.

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All vibes are welcome here.

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That's the validation and hope response.

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All vibes are welcome here.

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I like

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Kind of feeling that, feels inclusive,
right?

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If you're inclusivity, inclusion, I kind
of am.

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All vibes welcome, well, except negative
vibes, right?

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Toxic positivity, good vibes only.

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Well, I don't know.

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What if I'm kind of in my feelings about
something, processing something that

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happened that I'm dealing with that's
hard.

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So my vibes are not the best today.

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They're not like super terrible, but
they're not, I wouldn't describe them as

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good.

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does that mean?

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I'm not included.

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can't come to your good vibes only party.

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Like, whatever, like keep your good vibes
only party.

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So I'm not feeling that one either.

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You feeling that one?

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Can't wait to hear your thoughts about
this.

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It's pretty normal to have some negativity
in this situation.

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That's the validation and hope comment.

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It's pretty normal to have some negativity
in this situation.

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You know?

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I feel like there's a lot of empathy in a
comment like that is recognizing that this

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is a hard situation somebody might be
going through and you realize that, I

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could see how you might be feeling
negative in that situation.

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We don't want people to stay there,
obviously, but you know, we're human and

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empathy matters.

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The toxic positivity response, stop being
so negative.

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Well, again, if it were that easy in a lot
of cases,

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you know, we wouldn't be negative.

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So yeah, we don't want to be negative, but
just saying that, stop being so negative,

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it doesn't feel good to me.

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Does that feel good to you?

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It does not feel good to me.

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Number five, validation and hope response.

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It's probably pretty hard to be positive
right now.

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I'm putting out good energy into the world
for you.

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I love that, right?

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hard to be positive, putting out good
energy in the world for you.

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Yeah, I love that.

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That feels empathetic for me.

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Toxic positivity, think happy thoughts.

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You know, I think I've talked about this
before.

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So as part of my Parentpreneurial
Foundation, we have a man, Pastor Amos

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Johnson, Church for Entrepreneurs, really,
really great guy.

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Christian pastor, if you're into that, you
know, check out Church of Entrepreneurs.

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I think he changed it now into the faith
community on, on, on Spotify has a

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podcast, really great.

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I listen to it every day.

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One of the things that he says that I
found to be so true is that you can't

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fight negative thoughts with thoughts.

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So just to say, think happy thoughts, it's
not going to work.

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If you have a negative thoughts, in my
experience, thinking positive thoughts.

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do not cancel, it does not cancel out the
negative thoughts.

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Like I literally have to say the truth
about whatever the situation is out loud.

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Like if I'm from quote unquote worrying
about money, know, I learned this from

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Pastor Amos, you know, I say, you know,
God is my shepherd.

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I lack nothing.

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I say that over and over and over and over
and over again until a negative thought

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gets out of my head.

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and then all is right in the world in
terms of how I feel about things.

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think happy thoughts is a whole no for me.

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Another validation and hope comment.

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Sometimes giving up is okay.

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What is your ideal outcome?

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So.

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You know, I'm gonna read the toxic
positivity response to that and then give

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you my thoughts on that.

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So toxic positivity is never give up.

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Well, yeah, sometimes, you know, so look,
I am in the 99th percentile of persistent

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and resilient people on the planet and I
don't quit.

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And sometimes that's, it's a blessing and
a curse, right?

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Like my first startup, WeMontage, I shut
it down a couple of years ago.

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I mean, I ran that thing for like 10
years.

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I should have shut it

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probably three, four years before then.

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you know, yeah, sometimes knowing when to
quit is just the right thing to do.

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You know, what is your ideal outcome?

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I love that question.

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And then think about like, so, you know,
what happens if you fail, right?

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So I was talking with one of my mentors
and advisors the other day

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I was having a little anxiety about
something and he asked me a great

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question.

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He's like, is this anxiety being put on
you?

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Are you putting it on yourself?

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And I realized I was actually putting it
on myself and he said, well, take that

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crap off.

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He didn't say crap.

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He said the S word, but take that crap
off.

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And I was like, yeah, I'm taking that crap
off.

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And immediately I felt so much better.

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But the thing was he asked me, said, so
what happens if you fail?

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He said, they can't kill you and they
can't eat you.

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So, you know, sometimes it's okay to stop
doing something and move on to something

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else.

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This is me really talking to myself more
than I'm talking to any of y 'all

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listening right now.

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But, you know, it's okay to move on
sometimes.

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Just never give up.

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Yeah, I don't know, right?

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Sometimes you can't spend 30 years banging
your head against the wall on something,

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especially if it's a startup, right?

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That just does not make sense.

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At some point you need to make an
assessment.

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Like, do I need to move on to something
else after a couple of pivots?

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You can't just keep grinding forever on
something.

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It just doesn't really make sense.

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All right, validation and hope.

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I think this is number seven.

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It's never fun to feel like that.

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Is there something we can do today that
you'd enjoy?

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All right, and the toxic positivity
response to that is just be happy.

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man, that doesn't even make any sense
whatsoever.

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Like just be happy, like get out my
feelings.

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Like, no, like I feel like, you know,
going to a therapist, like I get these,

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you know, mental tips and tools and
resources to, manage my feelings and

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identify these things.

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And like that thing I told you, I do the
affirmation that I got from Pastor Amos.

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It's not just as simple as just being
happy.

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Sometimes you have to manage yourself and,
and, have some tools and resources

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to get in a better head space.

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It's just not always that simple.

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So that just be happy is a no for me.

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It doesn't feel good to me at all.

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And finally, last validation and hope
point.

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It's probably really hard to see any good
in this situation.

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We'll make sense of it all later.

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Okay, sometimes things are hard and, you
know, empathizing with people is great and

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also.

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Also, we know that sometimes in a moment,
we can't understand a thing, but a couple

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days later, which is why it's good to sit
on things sometimes if you can, or down

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the road, you're like, okay, that was a
really hard experience, but I see how that

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made sense or how that prepared me for X
today, to be better at X today.

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And the toxic positivity response is, see
the good in everything.

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Yeah, but the problem with that is it
ignores, you

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your feelings in the moment.

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And I'm not, look, I'm not a big feelings
guy.

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Maybe I sound like I am on this episode
and my wife probably nodding her head

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going, yeah, he's not a big feelings guy
at all.

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She'd be like, he ain't got no feelings.

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That's not true, baby.

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You know that's not true.

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But yeah, I'm not a big feelings guy, you
can't, yeah, that just does not feel good

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to me.

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I don't like it.

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So, you know, the article closes with
this.

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When you're supporting someone who's
hurting,

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We need to leave room for positivity to
grow.

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And you don't just yell at a flower to
just grow, you water it.

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In this case, you water it with listening,
with validation, and with unconditional

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support.

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It's okay to experience negative emotions.

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And with support, we can help people who
are stuck in negativity find their way

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out.

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Simply telling them to be positive doesn't
cut it, right?

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Amen.

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That's a whole amen for me.

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I think all the toxic positivity
responses, I mean, in total and in some

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cases individually, I think they're toxic.

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I think they're trash.

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I wouldn't feel good somebody just telling
me those things and disregarding how I'm

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feeling about things and not considering
what some of my triggers are, my past

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experiences, because I'm processing my
feelings in that moment through those

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experiences and through those triggers.

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So yeah, toxic positivity is toxic.

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It's whack.

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Would love to know what you think.

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Again, I'm going to drop my LinkedIn
profile in the show notes.

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Yeah, connect with me and let me know what
you think.

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I'm really keen to get your thoughts.

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00:14:28,531 --> 00:14:29,662
So all right.

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So where is someone a new platform here?

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So I'm looking for my new sound effects.

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Here we go.

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All right.

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It's time for my favorite part of the
show, the dad jokes, right?

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So I think I told you my kids listen to
the dad jokes.

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my podcast when I'm picking them up from
school.

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So I gotta come correct with the dad
jokes.

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And obviously I think it's a good dad
joke, so I'm not gonna give it the old,

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you know, sad trombone.

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That's not gonna happen.

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Cause I picked the joke, right?

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Obviously, duh.

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So listen, all right.

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So here's a joke.

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Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

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Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

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My wife's gonna hate this joke.

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I fart in bed a lot.

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Can't believe I said that.

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Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

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Because it will blow his cover.

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Yes.

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Absolutely, that's a good one, right?

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Love that.

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100%, love that joke.

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All right, man, so that's it.

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00:15:34,766 --> 00:15:36,226
Real quick, that was a quick one.

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You know, it's toxic positivity, really
toxic.

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Would love to get your thoughts about
that.

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We're roll this outro music and get out of
here until next time.

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So look, you know, we know you like the
show, cause you're still listening.

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So please subscribe, follow and rate it.

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00:15:52,546 --> 00:15:56,926
And follow me on Twitter, X or whatever
the hell that is, at James Oliver Jr.,

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00:15:56,926 --> 00:15:58,307
JamesOliverJR.

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00:15:58,307 --> 00:15:59,327
connect with me on LinkedIn.

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I'll drop my link in the show notes here,
click on it.

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00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:06,600
And please, like, if you send me a
connection request, please put a note that

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00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,082
you heard me on the podcast, because I'm a
little bit of a LinkedIn snob and people

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be trying to connect with me.

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00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:13,223
Hey, we both breathe oxygen, let's
connect.

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00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:17,455
And I'm like, nah, because again, I'm Gen
X and I'm like, nah.

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But I do want to hear from you.

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00:16:19,656 --> 00:16:23,598
So please send me a connection request and
put a note that you heard me on the

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00:16:23,598 --> 00:16:24,778
podcast

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00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:29,916
Tell me what you think about some of these
toxic positivity comments and validation

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00:16:29,916 --> 00:16:30,757
and hope.

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00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:31,977
Love to get your thoughts.

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00:16:31,977 --> 00:16:33,338
I appreciate you so much.

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00:16:33,338 --> 00:16:34,378
Have a wonderful day.

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00:16:34,378 --> 00:16:35,179
Be blessed.

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00:16:35,179 --> 00:16:36,199
Later.